What else are we missing? and how is this automatic pilot approach impacting the depth of our friendships? The depth of our caring? The depth of our capacity to really feel?

2012 was, for me, the end of impossible standards, and the end of saying Yes to unfulfilling anything. It was also the end of too much ‘doing’. It was the start of a deeper ‘allowing’. Of faith that I can make more honest choices and will still be loved, accepted and abundant. I simply needed the courage to slow down, get comfortable in the space that was created when I quit over-doing it, and live with much more discernment.

So far so good. I’m flushing when needed and I’m ok if it takes a little extra effort to turn a tap on and off. I’m more present, life feels richer, and I’m grateful not only for the wake up call but also for the very real, completely unapologetic nature of it. Oh… and I can finally feel that some good stuff I’ve wanted for a long time, is on the way :)

I’d love to read your thoughts about this subject and what you believe the impact is on the quality of our lives.

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Today I took a bus. I sat on the back row, because it was the only seat open. To my left were a couple, to my right was a bag taking up one seat and next to the bag was The Bully. I just didn’t know it at the time.

Gorgeous day. Beautiful sunshine, warm breeze, ideal really. San Francisco at its best. The bus trundled along and more and more people got on. Many were standing. And still that bag to my left took up a seat. It’s owner was, I chose to believe, oblivious as he was immersed in his iPhone while listening to music on his iPod. No chance of letting the world in.

One of the women clearly wanted to sit, but no one would ask this guy. I very gently touched his arm and pointed to his bag.

Without looking up, and in a loud voice, he said: “Not a chance. Not happening. Not going to be crammed into this corner.”

He paused. He was clearly a rude person and the woman smiled and thanked me for trying.

Then he added in a very clear, loud, aggressive voice: “And you’ll see what happens if you try and escalate this.”

He threatened me!

Over a seat request!

I was blown away! This 6′, white, mid-40s, business-looking, well-to-do, hulk-of-a-man was threatening me – a 5’1″, petite female. And he still hadn’t looked up from his phone.

I sat there with my heart racing, and that’s an understatement. It was coming out of my chest. I looked around for some social proof that this really had happened, that people were shocked and agreeing with me that it was wrong, and that we were not collectively going to stand for it. But everyone acted like nothing had happened.

The most interesting thing about that moment though had less to do with that man, and more to do with how aware I was of something very striking. Not so long along an interaction like that would have left me feeling terror, fear. I would have shrunk in my seat and tried to get away from him. I would have felt victimized and emotional.

Today, all I felt was anger. Anger at: a) how completely ridiculous the situation was (it was just a request for a seat! and I’m TINY! there was no way he could lose this one!), and b) that he felt he could go around bullying the world into submission and was probably getting away with this in many places.

I did NOT feel fear, and it was liberating. And I sat with my heart pounding wondering what to do, IF there was anything to do.

And then I did something I would never ever normally do.

As I heard the song on his iPod ending, I turned to him and in the brief silence I said, loud enough for him to clearly hear me: “Bully. You’re a ****** bully.” And then I stayed in my seat and held my ground as my heart slowed and my awareness went into full alert.

The bus kept going. People kept pretending that nothing had happened. And the bully glanced a surprised “Really, you’re going there?!” kind of look out of the window. Very very slowly put his phone away. He very very slowly uncrossed his legs and brought his right arm up along the back of the seats, in my direction. I could feel the intense aggression in him as he moved his body into, what felt to me, like fight mode. I could easily see his hand crashing across my face, or his leg kicking out. And then I smelt it.

The alcohol on his breath.

This angry man was aggressive, irrational and had been drinking. I sat for a little longer and then made a choice.

Not to run. Not to flee. Not to hide. I made a choice to stand up, glance at him one more time, and then calmly walk the length of the still moving bus. Away from him.

Without planning on it, I spoke to the driver and told him what was going on at the back of his bus. Two stops later I got off, and onto another bus that was right behind.

I felt absolutely liberated. Yes, I wondered for a moment about what Gandhi might have done, or what a spiritually perfect being might have decided. I wondered for a moment about how I might have “loved” him out of his aggression and created a different ending. And it did cross my mind that he’s probably an unhappy, lonely man deserving of my empathy (or perhaps coaching). But we all have stories and difficult times, and not all of us CHOOSE to run around destroying other people with our unresolved anger.

And anyway, y’know what?

That’s not what this was about. This was about standing in my power as a woman. This was about saying “no” to being intimidated by the bullies in the world who think they can control everyone and everything around them. This was about me seeing that I wasn’t scared anymore. And I’ve spent many years being scared, so I earned this.

Maybe next time I’ll “love” him out of it. Or maybe next time I’ll have my karate black belt and I’ll finish him up completely!

Or maybe there won’t be a next time because I’ve sent a clear message to the Universe that THAT is NOT ok with me. We’ll see. Either way, all 5’1″ of me can handle it.

Ok. I’m slighty biased. I was born in this month. Today actually. So clearly that was one miracle!

Have you noticed how when we’re reminded to look for miracles, or coincidences, or inexplicable synchronicity – we can often find it?

Have you noticed how when we’re reminded to see what’s strong inside us, how resilient and resourceful we are – we can find it?

Have you noticed how when we’re reminded that everything worked out in the past so why not now – we become aware of that truth, again?

Miracles, answers, solutions, ideas are around us all the time. But sometimes we need to be reminded to believe they are, so that we pause and look. When we’re going through transition in our professional lives, pausing and looking becomes invaluable because those are the moments where the unclear becomes clear, doubt becomes a deep breath of confidence, and a new idea for that next step is born.

Today notice the arrival of one miracle, one answer, one piece of clarity that you’ve been looking for to help you move towards the professional satisfaction you want.

CAREER CHANGE TIP:

Know the career change you want, but are unclear what the first steps are? This might be a good time to slow down and look around your life at the clues that are waiting to be seen. Take a breath now, be open to seeing that first step today.

Some beliefs have been with us a long time and we can’t seem to shake them. “There’s never enough money” or “Finding the right relationships is hard” or “Doing work I love and getting paid well is impossible”. Awareness is a big part of change. In fact it’s probably the first step. Being willing to become aware that the thought you just had, or the uncomfortable feeling you just had might be an old protective belief wanting to be explored, understood more deeply, and then upgraded.

Here are three steps you can take to start the process, and remember, some beliefs have been with us for a long long time and getting support so that you can stop putting off what you really want, might be an empowering step:

Step 1

When you notice you’re feeling edgy around someone, or making up stories about them that you couldn’t possibly know are true or not, ask: What belief do I have that is being challenged right now?

Step 2

Then ask yourself: What do I value about holding onto this belief? How is it serving me?

Step 3

Ask: What would I need to know is true about me in order to change this belief into one that would move me towards what I want?

As you shine the light of awareness on experiences and events where old beliefs are no longer serving you, the easier it will become, over time, to stay away from judgment and become aware of what’s standing in your way. The benefit of this? You’ll start to realize how much of you having what you want is in your hands. And THAT is very very good news, because honestly – most of it is (in your hands, that is :) ).

It has been proven that rather than review the beliefs we have about the world, our lives, our selves we are more likely to simply accept them as true and look for evidence to reinforce them. Judgment usually means we’re butting up against a belief that has been with us a long time, and that doesn’t truly resonate with our heart/spirit/soul.

For example: Jane wants to be in a rewarding job, something that makes her feel like she’s making a difference and makes her feel joyful. She’s experienced a string of unfulfilling jobs with the wrong type of company and unstimulating work. She seems to keep on finding herself doing jobs that bring her down rather than lift her up, and work that she’s good at but doesn’t enjoy. Truthfully though, Jane has never really believed that the kind of job she really wants is actually possible.

The people around her complain about their work and this is strangely comforting for her. Her role models growing up did “what they had to do to put food on the table” and she sees this as her path even though something doesn’t feel quite right about it. . She feels a little like the odd one out among her friends and colleagues and that she should be grateful for having a job in the first place – “especially in this economy.”

One day Jane meets Sarah, who is doing work she loves. Jane – rather than being happy for Sarah, or curious about how she got there – finds herself taking an almost instant dislike to Sarah and saying things to herself like: “She must’ve got lucky” or “I don’t have the same talents Sarah has” or “She probably grew up with opportunities that I don’t have” or “She’s got access to people that I’ll never know” or “She’s smarter/prettier/more aggressive/more charistmatic etc. etc. than I am”.

Jane judges Sarah. Why? Because Sarah represents something that Jane wants in her heart, but that her mind and conditioning don’t believe is possible. The challenge is that rather than noticing that this is happening, Jane decides to simply stay away from Sarah. There was someone right in front of her who might have been willing and able to give her a different perspective or suggest some steps she could take or help her in some way, but the discomfort of changing what she believed got in the way.

Changing our beliefs can be confronting, yes. But wouldn’t you rather do it now instead of finding out in 10 or 20 years that you did have other choices and you could have had what you wanted?

Next post will share three steps to Transforming what you believe.

I walked the dusty street to the hotel for the last time today. Met with two new friends and said my goodbyes. Bid farewell to Juliet at the pedicure shop. Gave some clothes, tea bags and vitamins to the hotel staff. Found myself saying things like – “be sure you go for that job you want” “save! just a little and talk to people about that dream you have” “thank you for being so welcoming and warm, you’ll make a good doctor :) keep going until you get there”.

Last times

It struck me today how heightened everything was. How keenly aware I was of all the ‘last times’. Sure, I might come back. After one particularly surprising meeting today there’s actually a good chance. But there are no guarantees.

Since my last update I took a side trip to Cape Town to visit my long-time friend Jason. Talk about literally going from black to white. In Ghana I’m a minority, in Cape Town I’m in the majority. It was a fun, connecting trip and I saw the sights and went horse riding and did local things like coffee shops. I crammed a lot in and feel extremely grateful that I could say ‘yes’ to such an opportunity. Flying around Africa is, to say the least, expensive. Ironically, many Africans can’t do it.

Ghana the ‘big hug’

I like to say that “Ghana is a big hug”. Walking down the street people smile and chat and say ‘good afternoon’. Here are the things that in my experience describe the Ghana I know and love:

• Trotros (public buses – they’re shared van rides) – old, rusty, ripped seats, doors that don’t quite close. I love them.
• Furniture for sale on the side of the road.
• Men selling Japanese iPhones on the side of the road, that don’t work.
• Plantain, foofoo (pounded plantain), banku (plantain & something else), and chicken (on the plate and roaming the streets).
• 34 degree heat, dusty roads, and dust from the Sahara this time of year.
• Traffic – it takes hours, literally, just to get across town.
• Booking taxis that don’t show up, or someone else takes them.
• Internet going out, and coming back on right before I have client call.
• Answers and people showing up right when I need them, and absolutely no sooner.
• Marriage proposals.
• Over-priced Accra Mall.
• Calling the number on the business card of the doctor I went to see, and actually reaching him – the head of the clinic!
• Getting a bus ticket to another country without my visa in hand, because I said ‘please’ (and it would have taken hours)
• Religious messages everywhere: “God is Great Food & Drink” stall; “Blood of Christ hairdresser”; “Miracle Touch Hair Salon”
• Handkerchiefs to wipe the endless sweat off foreheads and backs of neck.

But more than this, I love the warmth, kindness, and open-hearts of the people in Ghana. I’m sad to leave.

Everything has to end

EVERYTHING comes to an end eventually. EVERYTHING. Either it will leave, or it will change in some way. It or him or her. It’s far too easy to see every day as the same, every interaction as the same; but they’re not. It’s easy to lose touch with the truth that at some point this great feeling, this wonderful work, this fantastic relationship – at some point the current experience we’re having is going to change, it’s going to go away and a new one is going to come in. Maybe the new one will be even more rewarding, but either way it will change and we’ll have to say goodbye to something. Even with the challenging stuff, we must remember that at some point it will change – do we want to play our part and do our best to have that change be better? Or worse?

“Insanity: wanting something to change but being unwilling to do anything different.”

Do you walk towards or away?

Saying goodbye to Africa (not just Ghana) is, for me, difficult. When I’m here there is a peace inside me that I can’t explain. It doesn’t seem to matter which country I’m in (I’ve visited 9 countries so far), some chattering, some niggling feeling in me goes quiet.

Where is your place that brings you peace? Have you found it yet? Do you walk towards discovering it or away from it? Do you embrace it or doubt it? Do you say ‘yes, it’s possible’ or talk yourself out of knowing.

The ‘place that brings us peace’ doesn’t have to be a physical location like Africa. It might show up in the work we do, or the friends we have, or when we pick up a paintbrush. For me, it would possibly be an easier thing to figure out if it weren’t a physical location like Africa! But then again, I was born an explorer so that’s where I derive my joy. In which case the ‘tug’, the pull of this continent invites me back to me. It’s the same with your place of peace – it’s an invitation back to you. Are you opening the invitation and saying ‘yes’ to the party? ‘Yes’ to the journey? And if not, why the heck not? This is your one precious life.

The unexpected miracle

Today. My last day here. I met with Kelly. Kelly lives in Ghana. We met a couple of weeks ago at an expat party, I approached her because I heard she was from San Francisco originally. Then I went to Cape Town so today was our only chance. Kelly has potentially changed everything.

A few weeks into this trip my efforts to volunteer or work here fell flat. Nothing was happening. So I surrendered. To the fact that this was going to be a different kind of trip. A trip where I had fun and got to know the people and the place, while running my business. It was significant for me to let go of the expectation of working here.

It turns out that Kelly’s partner and his family are deeply involved in leadership programs for entrepreneurs (there are a lot here). There’s a need for trainings. With my background it looks like an excellent fit. It also looks like a reason to return.

I had completely let go. And the day before I leave, the door is opened. All because I said ‘yes’ to meeting with her. As she said: “Now when you come back, you know Ghana. It’s not new to you.” That can only help.

Even though I deeply know that life is full of mystery and synchronicity when we slow down enough to notice, there are times when I am blown away and my heart literally feels like it sings. This is one of those times.

Why it makes sense

I’m a Career Change expert/guru, whatever the last word is. Helping people design a working life that inspires them is my passion and my gift. When I can work in Ghana for 2 months while running my business. When I look at the life I get to live, the life I’ve created, it is so obvious to me why I choose to help others with career change.

Change your career (completely or just make it better), enhance your financial situation, and you have freedom.

Freedom.

Who doesn’t want that?

All my efforts hit a dead end.

What I have had to come to terms with is this: What I thought this trip would look like, is not what this trip looked like.

For a while there I was feeling as if I wasn’t making a difference. How do I justify being here if I’m not volunteering? How do I feel good about being here? How do I wrap my head around the clear change in this adventure?

What I’ve realized is that my presence, some of the conversations that I’ve had are making a difference. I have advised on a business plan, I’ve coached a couple of people. I met with someone who is going to keep a look out for some leadership positions in some of the larger organizations here. I’ve got to see some beautiful places. I’m a better person because I’m happy when I am traveling and I am happy when I’m in Africa. I’m happier when I am doing things that I really love.

Really, that’s the difference that I want to be making in the world. And maybe it doesn’t have to look like me working for another organization in addition to running my own business, which is a lot when I think about it.

I wanted to share this with you in case it reflected or could ripple through your own life. It really is a magical journey being here. Sometimes we have to drop our expectations of what we think things are going to look like and allow them to unfold. We must allow ourselves to see the gifts and the beauty in what is happening verses holding onto the idea of what we thought should have happened. In this way we allow change to unfold and our next adventure and true path can then unfold right along with it.

What do you get when you take a 2′ x 4′ plank of wood and hand it to a small boy? A surf board.

What do you get when you put a young Ghanaian man with a white British woman? A marriage proposal.

I now have 5 husbands.

It was Christmas Eve, and Kofi (my taxi driver) was driving me the one hour out of Ghana’s capital, Accra, to Big Milly’s, a beachfront hangout in Kokrobite, for Christmas. The street vendor with the Santa Claus hats caught us at a stop light and Christmas began. We wore those hats all the way there.

Big Milly is not Big

Big Milly is not big. She’s about 4’10″, petite, 70years old, British, and called Wendy. At the age of 45 she fell in love with African weather. At the age of 50 she moved to Ghana, left the cold behind for ever and started Big Milly’s. She loves her life and it shows. I wouldn’t guess her to be over 60 years old. Wendy’s husband of 20 years, Seto, is younger and having children was very important to him. So he had four. With Idia. Wendy, Seto, Idia and four children live together. It works. Wendy gave birth to the business and now takes care of the children. Idia gave birth to the children and now takes care of the business.

Christmas was spent dancing to African “High Life” and reggae under the moon, sitting on the beach, being the last one out of the ocean long after the big red ball of sun had vanished from the sky, and hanging out. Time alone and time with people. All kinds of people. Volunteer teachers from up north, the security guard and his love of scorpions and interpreting dreams, an office worker with a vision of building a sustainable vegetable farm, the young female server who was robbed twice walking home late at night, a family on their annual visit from Senegal, locals coming for a beer and teaching me the correct way to pronounce the words I am learning, or a Liberian selling hand-made bags to raise funds for the nearby refugee camp.

Most striking thing

The most striking thing about being here is how much time people make for each other. Time to stop and connect and talk, and just be for a while. Not just at Big Milly’s, you’d somewhat expect it there – at the beach. But everywhere. Relating, putting

relationships first is part of the culture. I like it. It’s soul food. Makes up for the rampant pollution, special ‘foreigner’ taxi pricing, 34˚c incredibly muggy heat, and the speeding – especially past police cars that don’t seem to mind.

An Eve More striking thing

The even more striking thing is how difficult it is to give my skills away, to volunteer my time with an organization. Bites but nothing landing so far. Perhaps the reason I’m here is not what I originally thought…

5.    Get Specific

Ask the part you have chosen 4 specific questions. Yes, you’re asking yourself – but you may notice that Frustration, for example, really does have its own opinions, energy, and body movement:

1. What do you believe is the best thing to happen here?

2. What is your biggest concern?

3. What do you most want for me?

4. What would having that do for me?

6.    Write it Down

When you feel complete, write down what you learned, noticed and heard. Then go through this same process with the other parts you named.

7.  Final Gut Check

What’s the decision, course of action or realization that you ended up with? Write it down. Now re-read your intuitive response from earlier. You may find it is now easier to act on that intuitive call. You may also discover that what you thought was your intuition, actually wasn’t!

But most of all, especially around this time of the year, have fun. Getting to know yourself better can be challenging but also VERY rewarding. An exercise like this has the potential to put you back in the driver’s seat in so many situations- armed with some solid information to help you move forward in every aspect of your life.

Part of me says YES, another part says NO, and another part hasn’t got a clue!

We all have decisions to make, especially around the holidays. Which invitations to accept, who to buy for, how to spend our time, money and energy. It can be totally exhausting!

But it’s something we all do. I remember a business coaching client named John describing to me the process of making the decision to hire a new sales person. After multiple interviews, he had reached decision-making time. The conversation with himself went something like this:

“Yes, go for it“,

“No, absolutely not, not qualified enough no matter what the resume says“,

“You’re so hard on people, just give him a chance“,

“Why do you make these decisions so difficult, you can never just land on something“…

John was experiencing a “parts-war“and all the mental fighting was preventing him from getting enough quiet time to actually contemplate the all-around best move.

Do it by the Numbers and End the War!

1.     Quick Gut Check

Take a decision or something you want clarity around and start with a quick gut check. What is your intuition telling you? Write down what your intuition says, then put it off to one side.

2.     Name the Voices

Name 3 or 4 of the parts that have the most influence (they’re the loudest or taking the most energy or attention) and write them down. You might start with how you’re feeling and then work from there: if you are feeling frustrated- that part definitely has something to say.

 3.     Pick a Voice

Pick a voice to start with. Let’s say you start with the frustrated part. Notice how it feels in your body (a lot of energy, increased heart rate, urge to stand or pace); then notice what it says (“make a decision!” “why can’t you just pick one side?” “you know what to do, just do it”).

 4.     Let it Speak

Just that part. If that part wants to stand and pace, then stand and pace. If it wants to berate you – let it speak those words out loud. Let it express all it has to say.

In part 2 we will discuss the final steps so stay tuned!